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 A week from today, I will be turning 34 years old.

Most people expect to feel a weighty burden slowly being lowered onto their shoulders as they approach their thirties. They think that if they're not yet married, or in the midst of a successful career, or owning property, or having children, then they have failed as a member of society. I was one of those people. As my 30th birthday loomed ever closer, I was filled with dread.

I actually had the rare experience of having my 30th birthday during a global pandemic. This meant that I was on my own, only receiving words of congratulations through a text or a video call. For someone who had been accustomed to living alone for around 6 years by this point, I didn't mind this so much, although it was a little depressing.

There I sat, in the silence of my flat, staring at my laptop as the time ticked to midnight. All the despair I was feeling leading up to this point, suddenly vanished. I can't really describe it well, but it was incredibly bizarre. In a matter of moments, all of the stresses and woes I had experienced in my twenties suddenly meant nothing to me. I was 30 now, and something within my soul had shifted. I felt... free. I slowly walked over to my bed, sat down, and cried. I wasn't feeling crushed under the burden of needing to "be" anything to impress anyone. I was relieved of the responsibility. It was almost as if my life had well and truly begun, for me and only me, in that moment.

It made me realise that my twenties were a traumatic disaster. Taking drugs, binge drinking, endless love affairs, abuse, assaults, standing on the edge of the roof of a tall building and wanting to leap, you name it. I recklessly threw myself into danger, because I didn't expect to live this long. While some people were settling down and making families, or building their businesses and investing in their futures, I was trying to slowly die with a group of like-minded people I called my friends. Outsiders would call us "emo". They had no fucking idea.

And now, here I am, almost 4 years later. I am clean from drugs, and the only alcoholic drink I'll have is a simple cocktail on Christmas Day. The mere thought of getting as drunk as I used to makes me feel sick to my stomach. I am approaching 3 years with my partner. There are still some people from my old friend group who still maintain the same lifestyle as before, and they call me "boring" now. I'm happy with that, but my heart aches for them.

I have an appointment with an employment support service on the 11th August. Progress is happening. I've always been a late bloomer, but I'll reach success in the end.

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