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 Usually, when I get a surge of motivation seemingly out of nowhere, I try to grab onto it as tightly as I can before it dissolves through my fingers. During these dark times, that little boost can leave as quickly as it arrived, and usually, I'm not able to maintain it. I can actually feel it drain out of my body in the middle of a task and I'll go back to questioning what the point of it all is. I've reached a stage now where this little back and forth is fucking annoying to me, like a little sibling flicking me on the head. So, if I can't find motivation through natural means, then I will force it into my system using rage and spite as the fuel.

I have important things to do today, and I am going to do them. 

I have an email to write, regarding our housing application. I like to think of myself as pretty knowledgeable in this area, having successfully dragged myself out of homelessness not once but twice, with the help of the local council's housing system. My partner and I want to have our own place to rent, so I've been left in charge of trying to make this happen. It's not likely to be successful, as we are not homeless, but I have ideas. I'm not giving up on this venture. It's our most realistic option.

The email has been written and sent.

I had my last therapy session yesterday, and I have been referred for further support through "high intensity CBT sessions" which should take place in about 6 months. I have also been referred to an employment support service, which I should hear back from any day now. This is great news. I am not on my own anymore. With their help, I'll get a good job and start stepping towards a better life. In the meantime, I have been asked to join a local group called MoodMaster. After looking them up, I have seen that I need to send another email in order to refer myself. I'll do that now.

That email has been written and sent too.

Now, time for the small stuff. Eat right, sleep well, and stay clean. It sounds easy enough when I'm in the right mindset, which thankfully I am today. I need to keep reminding myself that, for the time being, I am not doing this for myself. If I let myself think that, the motivation will slip away. Right now, I am doing this out of spite. I am doing this as a "fuck you" to every little thing that has made me feel less than worthy of hope and peace.

I really hope this lasts.

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